Like many women of my generation and the generations that followed, Sex And The City taught me a lot about sex. I was in high school when it premiered. It introduced me to new things every Sunday night –and one of those things was anal sex.
At the age, I didn’t even know that anal sex between straight couples was even a thing. I mean, I knew that gay men engage in it, I myself held on to some pretty traditional notions when it came to why straight women would do it. Namely, as Charlotte put it so fluently in the show’s “Valley of the Twenty-Something Guys” episode, “Men don’t marry Up-the-Butt Girl. Whoever heard of Mrs. Up-the-Butt?” And guess what, I agreed. When my college boyfriend suggested we do the deed a few years later, the statement was the only thing that came to mind.
I was determined never to become the Up-the-Butt Girl.
I was in love for the first time and figured one encounter with anal wouldn’t put me in whatever category a future Mrs. Up-the-Butt might reside. The experience resulted to be extremely bad. It was hurtful and not comfortable. As I told my boyfriend afterwards, it was like I was taking a backward shit (which is not even anatomically possible). But on top of this discomfort, I also felt ashamed. I felt humiliated. I kept thinking that was it exactly he wanted and why I agreed to go for it. What did this tell about me? What can be the other so-called freakish things would I do in the name of love? I cannot even imagine.
Throughout my twenties, I stopped taking such a hard line on what sex tells about my character. I still don’t really enjoy the few times I have anal sex and finally figured out it just wasn’t really my scene. But then something magical happened in my early thirties. Perhaps it was the confidence that came with sexual experience and age. I found myself having anal sex with someone I was dating and I’m now loving it. Really loving it!
It was still embarrassing
But this time about enjoying the process, rather than just engaging in it. I went to what liking anal sex said about me as a woman back again. Am I dirty? Deranged? Is it the outcome of something bad I did in the past? It doesn’t matter how many times I watched that episode from Sex and the City in which Samantha praised anal—I couldn’t come to terms with it.
According to facts, more than 30 percent of straight couples have tried anal sex, the taboo around it is often louder than the praise. It doesn’t matter how many stats come out on the topic, like how women who have anal sex have more orgasms (it comes with an orgasm rate of 94 percent, compared with the 65 percent from vaginal sex). It also doesn’t seem to matter that the majority of women who do engage in anal sex are well-educated with higher levels of income—information one might think would nix some of the negative stereotypes associated with women who enjoy anal sex. But, sadly, it does not.
Why people are still shy about Anal Sex?
There are plenty of reasons a woman might feel embarrassed about enjoying it. Even now, if you will see anybody talk about anal sex as an option, it will still be looked down upon. When Teen Vogue published an article about anal sex and how to do it safely, it faced huge backlash especially on social media. Although the article didn’t merely talked about girls to only have anal sex. It talked about how it can be an option.
I have been suggesting it more on my own accord to get more comfortable with the fact that I like it. My partner and I did it again the third time we slept together. It is important for me that I fully embrace my sexuality, especially the parts I was once ashamed of and which still remain taboo by society’s standards. I am always the one who initiates it, thereby owning both the act and the fact that he knows I enjoy it. I’m starting to understand now that I shouldn’t allow those old-fashioned thoughts about how a woman should have sex (which typically means vaginal only), or the narrow-minded thinking of society who condemn it, to take up my space in mind.
I don’t need the society or pop culture to validate my feelings on the matter, it does help in some ways to feel a sense of solidarity.
It forces us to realize that human sexuality is complicated and there’s no “right” way to be aroused or to get off. Similarly, not being into anal sex doesn’t make you a prude or somehow less sexually adventurous.
Don’t feel guilty for having anal sex as long as you enjoy it! It is definitely not for everyone, but for those of us who do enjoy it.
A woman’s sexual desires or sexual liking don’t define her—knowing what you want is all that really matters.
Your Questions, My Answers
I was in love for the first time and figured one encounter with anal wouldn’t put me in whatever category a future Mrs. Up-the-Butt might reside. The experience resulted to be extremely bad.
How does anal sex feel compared to vaginal sex?
It doesn’t matter how many stats come out on the topic, like how women who have anal sex have more orgasms (it comes with an orgasm rate of 94 percent, compared with the 65 percent from vaginal sex). It also doesn’t seem to matter that the majority of women who do engage in anal sex are well-educated with higher levels of income—information one might think would nix some of the negative stereotypes associated with women who enjoy anal sex.
It can be painful, it can be uncomfortable. It depends upon how or if you like it or not! But once you get the gist of it, you will be completely in love with it.